so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
