just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
No subtext here. People are naked.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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