i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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