She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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