The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize