Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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