I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
