I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
