she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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