Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
