You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
