My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
