who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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