Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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