ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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