OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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