It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
