i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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