I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize