Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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