seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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