Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
