Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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