i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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