So drunk its hurt
Duck Duck Cougar?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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