So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
even my farts smell like vagina
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
