woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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