When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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