how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
