Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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