Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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