it's too hot outside to masturbate.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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