i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
