She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
a search helicopter?!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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