the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
