He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
