i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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