You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
