omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
