Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize