Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
