Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
