Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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