Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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