i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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