My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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