i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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