I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize