i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
