Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
