Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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