Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my sisters under your porch take her home
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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