Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
