sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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