Banned from zoo.
Again?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
