I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize