well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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