Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
