R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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