Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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