i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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