My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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