Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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