as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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