I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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