I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
