does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
